I walked into my extended family's christmas and the first thing my Uncle Tom says is
"I read your blog."
That phrase has been making my stomach clench. I didn't really think anybody would bother with reading this. Especially family members.
Part of the decision to make this public was to force myself to face my fear of being judged. A fear that I did not know was so prominent in my life until recently. And perhaps a fear that had not become so prominent in my life until recently. I was comfortable with who I was a month ago and now I'm not. And I know that the way I feel normally projects out into the world. If I can see my insecurities so can everyone else.
I made this public so that people like my wonderful uncle(he told me to say something nice about him in this post) could see and judge me however they pleased. But the thing is he didn't. Or maybe he did and wasn't super vocal about it but he certainly only had kind things to say.
One major way I see myself is through what I believe other people think of me.
So basically I pretend I can read your mind and then use what I can not see to create an image of myself.
Or maybe that's just an excuse to be incredibly hard on myself. I mean, if that's what everyone else thinks then it's okay for me to think it too.
I don't know.
Through my dad's eyes I see a helpless little girl that needs to be protected from the world.
Through my sister's eyes I see a selfish child incapable of putting someone else first.
Through your eyes I see someone trying too hard to impress you with how good of a writer I am.
So much of my mental energy goes toward proving the three of you wrong. Just look at how many sentences I end with prepositions! And I never know where to put those commas.
The thought I just had of living without the need to prove people wrong or impress them is pretty damn liberating.
As a kid I had an adult in my life that would tell me daily that I was not good enough. So maybe(most likely) part of me has been proving that person wrong for a very long time. Projecting their words onto the thoughts of everyone around me.
Maybe that's what we're all doing. Taking the negative and often untrue things people have said about us and putting them into the mouths of the people surrounding us regardless of their actual thoughts.
After all, if I know my weaknesses before you do you can't use them to hurt me.
I don't know.
Right now what I know is that I want to pursue that free feeling I just had.
The glimpse of what it would mean for my life if I stopped trying to prove something. ANYTHING. To anyone!
I don't know what that looks like but I think it's time I try to find out.
Part of the decision to make this public was to force myself to face my fear of being judged. A fear that I did not know was so prominent in my life until recently. And perhaps a fear that had not become so prominent in my life until recently. I was comfortable with who I was a month ago and now I'm not. And I know that the way I feel normally projects out into the world. If I can see my insecurities so can everyone else.
I made this public so that people like my wonderful uncle(he told me to say something nice about him in this post) could see and judge me however they pleased. But the thing is he didn't. Or maybe he did and wasn't super vocal about it but he certainly only had kind things to say.
One major way I see myself is through what I believe other people think of me.
So basically I pretend I can read your mind and then use what I can not see to create an image of myself.
Or maybe that's just an excuse to be incredibly hard on myself. I mean, if that's what everyone else thinks then it's okay for me to think it too.
I don't know.
Through my dad's eyes I see a helpless little girl that needs to be protected from the world.
Through my sister's eyes I see a selfish child incapable of putting someone else first.
Through your eyes I see someone trying too hard to impress you with how good of a writer I am.
So much of my mental energy goes toward proving the three of you wrong. Just look at how many sentences I end with prepositions! And I never know where to put those commas.
The thought I just had of living without the need to prove people wrong or impress them is pretty damn liberating.
As a kid I had an adult in my life that would tell me daily that I was not good enough. So maybe(most likely) part of me has been proving that person wrong for a very long time. Projecting their words onto the thoughts of everyone around me.
Maybe that's what we're all doing. Taking the negative and often untrue things people have said about us and putting them into the mouths of the people surrounding us regardless of their actual thoughts.
After all, if I know my weaknesses before you do you can't use them to hurt me.
I don't know.
Right now what I know is that I want to pursue that free feeling I just had.
The glimpse of what it would mean for my life if I stopped trying to prove something. ANYTHING. To anyone!
I don't know what that looks like but I think it's time I try to find out.
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