I recently discovered that I do not know if I like myself. Mostly because I suddenly found myself in the precarious position of not knowing who I actually am.
Ugh. This blog is about your identity crisis? Boring!
Then don't read it. Think I give a fuck?
Anyway.
I've been going to therapy for a couple months now. It's good stuff. Except for sometimes you open a box of nightmares that you had no idea was just sitting in your attic, leaking poison all over your life.
I opened one of those boxes. It sucked. Two days ago I would have given anything to have sealed that box back up and labeled it 'Repressed for a reason. DO NOT OPEN.'
Today I'm starting a blog about it.
I'm giving this blog two weeks to live. That is how long I will be in Kentucky for the holidays.
Two, potentially, long weeks.
Again, just two days ago I was thinking of changing my plane ticket to return to my LA home sooner. The thought of going back to the place I have been trying so hard to forget I was ever attached to is pretty tough. And this is my quest to find out why.
Ever since moving to Los Angeles I've felt like I should've been here my entire life. But would I feel that way if I had lived here my entire life? Why am I so afraid of where I come from?
I discovered these fears lurking my mind and decided that I needed to figure out why they exist.
1. I am afraid that somehow while I am in kentucky, people will convince me that I should stay in kentucky. Which is absurd. Have I met me? When was the last time I did something that I did not absolutely want to do?
2. I am afraid that if I am away from LA for too long the space I left behind will cover up and the city will forget that I ever existed within it.
(If you've gotten this far into the blog, you live in LA, and consider us friends do feel free to send me a message promising not to forget me in the two weeks I'm gone or ever.)
A couple of things I have learned about myself recently:
1. I am big on the people pleasing.
Posting this is pretty difficult because I don't want people in kentucky to read it and take it personally. And I don't want people in Los Angeles to read it and realize what an over analytical psycho I am.
Then of course there is the fact that I said 'fuck' right up top(did that on purpose) and I'm worried about that because what if certain people read it and think I have become the barbarian that all people who move to LA inevitably become. That I am a product of the Sodom of the west! I must be prayed for and reached out to!
And now I'm nervous that they think I'm making fun of them with that comment.
I promise this blog won't be full of curse words. I just wanted to confess that I say it without feeling shame.(I'm also still deciding if I should be feeling shame for saying fuck.)
2. I see myself as sunshine and pixie dust.
What a freaken burden.
My stupid face does not have a neutral expression. If I'm not smiling people assume I'm having a mental breakdown. If I'm not the loudest person at the party I get asked if I am alright. Which is not a bad thing. It's great that people care enough to ask. But sometimes I want to be not alright in a corner while I watch other people.
If I'm having a bad day I have to give thanks and be happy knowing that Jesus died for me and that I am so very loved and that music is wonderful and isn't the ocean just beautiful?!
A couple of things I have learned about myself recently:
1. I am big on the people pleasing.
Posting this is pretty difficult because I don't want people in kentucky to read it and take it personally. And I don't want people in Los Angeles to read it and realize what an over analytical psycho I am.
Then of course there is the fact that I said 'fuck' right up top(did that on purpose) and I'm worried about that because what if certain people read it and think I have become the barbarian that all people who move to LA inevitably become. That I am a product of the Sodom of the west! I must be prayed for and reached out to!
And now I'm nervous that they think I'm making fun of them with that comment.
I promise this blog won't be full of curse words. I just wanted to confess that I say it without feeling shame.(I'm also still deciding if I should be feeling shame for saying fuck.)
2. I see myself as sunshine and pixie dust.
What a freaken burden.
My stupid face does not have a neutral expression. If I'm not smiling people assume I'm having a mental breakdown. If I'm not the loudest person at the party I get asked if I am alright. Which is not a bad thing. It's great that people care enough to ask. But sometimes I want to be not alright in a corner while I watch other people.
If I'm having a bad day I have to give thanks and be happy knowing that Jesus died for me and that I am so very loved and that music is wonderful and isn't the ocean just beautiful?!
3. I place so much of my identity in acting. In comedy. In the fact that I am not creating everything I want to be creating.
A friend recently pointed out to me that if you are resting who you are on your acting career and you are not booking roles, there is a good chance you are not going to like yourself.
I've been tearing up the foundation of my being these past couple weeks. It has been sad and terrifying and I have tried to stop digging. To leave it alone so that I didn't have to keep looking at all the work that has to be done. But some stupid rational part of me just keeps repeating that if I ignore the work it will still need to get done and I can't leave my heart in this state.
I don't know who I am.
I don't know if I want to know who I am.
I don't know how deep this hurt goes.
I don't know if should be ashamed of saying fuck.
I don't know if I will ever be where I want to be.
I don't know why I am so gosh dang loud.
I don't know why writing helps.
I know that I'll never be finished not knowing things.
Here is my attempt to try nonetheless.
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